Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   "If one day speed kills me , Don't cry because I was smiling" - Paul Walker

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..