Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   Buffalo residents be like....Every day I'm Shovelin.....(add music here)

   Now that she hates Americans, we know she's Ariana "not so" grande...

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...

   Imagine sex with me. Too late. It's over.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.