Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove

   Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   eerie parallel ... in Cast Away, Tom Hanks was stranded on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company ... now, Tom Hanks in is quarantine on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company.

   can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

   Fake Christian below.