Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?