Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?

   Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.