Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   Dear BP CEO: You can have your life back as soon as you fix that pipe.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   Went to go check my Mega Millions ticket and got pissed off because the clerk sold me a Powerball ticket instead. Oh well I guess I'll just fantasize about winning 34 million now instead.

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.

   When they washed your brain did they press it after words?

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

   Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting.

   It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.

   I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.

   The US Treasury is already talking about putting Hillary's face on the American $20 bill. Question: Wouldn't it be much more fitting that her likeness be put on the $3 Bill?

   Hurt them with the TRUTH, don't please them with a LIE.