Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think it's about religion anymore. Some people are just sadists, hiding behind the masks of religion.

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.

   Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.

   Dear Walmart: If your employees "appear" to be incredibly overweight, they ought to know that fitting in to a size 2 gives the wrong impression of your organization. I do not enjoy viewing what looks like to be a belly button when I approach an employee.

   If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P

   The U.S military has plans for attacking Iran according to the Joint Chief of Staff. For details, go to Wikileaks.org

   bought a new car and named it "Curiosity". The cats down my road have had it now!

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   does't care what anybody says, there is just something fundamentally awesome about sporks

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

   In hindsight...maybe telling the whole family while we were pulling names for christmas grab bag that I was going to be getting into directing porn was not really the ideal time to do so....I did however draw Grandma Gertrude though!!!!

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   I like walking into bars and hitting up the jute box and playing Right Said Fred I'm too sexy 20 times in a row and leaving!

   is just me, or does anyone else's cold medina taste a little funky?

   Facebook is the only place where it's normal to talk to a wall!

   UGA 55, LA Lafayette 7...looks like BP wasn't the only ones to screw LA this summer.