Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.

   My wife likes it doggie style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it