Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wash your hand long enough to pray

   How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   Deleting my Facebook soon = Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important.

   Two new ice cream flavors. Chocolate Chip Happens, and Stay The Fudge Home

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.

   America: love it or leave it. L left.

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down