Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listening to Obama is like experiencing Deja Moo. You feel as if you've heard this bull before.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   how do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like $h!t

   Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬

   joke of the day: So this doctor goes into work one day and asks his assistant if it was wrong to have sex with his patients. Horrified, she runs from the office and screams "OF COURSE IT IS! YOU'RE A VET!!!"

   apologizes for sounding insensitive, but that "Christmas Shoes" song just plain sucks.

   BREAKING NEWS: no paper towels were thrown by a president in a disaster area today.

   I was at the vet with my sick dog, the vet said have you thought about youthanasia? What does Chinese kids have to do with my dog?

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   your perfect drug

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   I am a US Veteran. I didn't do it for the thank you's or the free stuff. I did it because I wasn't college material.

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...