Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.

   When I first noticed you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   If you hate Trump now, think how much you'll like him if Hillary get elected.

   Trump's wives are proof that you do need immigrants for jobs that American's don't want to do.

   In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.

   Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.

   Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you DON'T CARE who rules the world! THIS IS WHAT I CALL ATTITUDE .......

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   ... the weather guy just said, "We'll keep you up to breast" instead of "abreast." Guess this heat is getting to him, too ...

   No Budweisor I have not been drinking any officers tonight

   a good friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in there with you and a sister will stand outside the cell laughing at you

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you

   If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.

   BREAKING NEWS: Myspace is dead!

   Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes

   Don'T write HAPPY BIRTHDAY on my wall...Just send ur gift to this address!!

   Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."