Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obviously what I was trying in the past wasn't working. So I'm doing the opposite. "My name is Andrew. I'm unemployed and I live off borrowing money from people."

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   Stop hating, quit judging, initiate living, start loving.

   You keep me humble, you catch my stumble and you never let me crumble!

   It sad when you realize that even your hideously ugly friend is in a relationship and you are still single and dateless.

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   Its sad that at a certain point some peoples promises just start too sound like Charlie Brown's Teacher..."Wah wah wah wah wah wah"

   the guy that drives behind me normally chewing his finger was eating a pizza this morning. I was curious to find out the topping so I hit the brakes suddenly. It was pineapple and ham

   You know what I like about Politicians? ..... When they leave office. Heck, they're just like Diapers ... they need to be changed .... AND often!!!

   So Mexico just announced that they will build a latter.

   When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

   As a kid my father used to hit me with his camera. I still get flashbacks

   Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

   why doesnt James Bond Fart ine Bed? It would blow his cover

   My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn’t suffer, it was instant

   murder is just a late abortion

   Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults

   People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to b