Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

   My new favorite Trump name=Twitler

   Polling showed 27% of the USA bet on Atlanta to win. Must've been conducted by CNN.

   Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...

   Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing. Too bad about her creepy coworker who just so happens to be her dad.

   Someone please inform the meatball below that those numbers aren't factoring in population differences and percentages.

   Well .... Apparently a few Community Organizers got a bit out of hand in Dallas .....

   A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.

   I kinda wish the world was flat. That way I could just push off the people I don't like.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a much better legal defense.

   Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

   "Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.

   I hope all you Heat fans are enjoying this weather! This is what you wanted.

   If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We've been waiting for this all our lives!

   I think one of the sweetest sounds in the whole world is the sound of a baby's laughter. Unless its three in the morning. And you don't even have a baby.

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.