Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   Hacked into Santa's computer and obtain is naughty girls list........ Looks like there be no more lonely nights for me.

   When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.

   Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.

   Pride Parade bans Drag Queens, it offends transgenders.Libs are confused on what side to take.

   I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.

   My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

   You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.

   Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.

   If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”

   Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.