Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight

   If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.

   All of a sudden no one wants to shake my hand. T.C.

   The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.

   Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!

   If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.

   I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.

   I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.

   A bachelor dates 20 hot girls all at the same time, and they are all good with this, and they call it a "reality show."

   Why doesn't this superglue lock on things tightly like it does its own cap?

   Hillary got rich by selling her power...Donald got rich by earning it!

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Just a friendly reminder. Trump's fiscal year starts when?.... October.

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.