Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Treat life like an ocean, your heart is the shore and friends are the waves. It never matters how many waves there are, what matters is which ones touch the shore.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   Palin emails show's that she hadn't had a vacation in 5 years. Heck, the Obama's can't go 5 weeks without a vacation.......

   You should have to apply for a permit before youre allowed to use the Reply All button.

   What has a Klondike bar ever done for me?

   "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.

   At least someone's using the parade route they've had mapped out every year since '04...

   Fathers Day....the most confusing day in the hood!!!

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   wondering if its ok to change the name of the event "naming ceremony" of a child to a "Product Launch"

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Fellas: when speaking to a lady, never hang up first.

   The easiset way to tell if a friend is trying to set you up with an ugly person.....when they say....."but they are a good person"

   : You're the reason why God invented the middle finger.

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   Will somebody let me borrow their Delorean to travel to friday already!

   Thank goodness no one can see what I have open on my other tabs while on Facebook. All I have to do is make sure I don't accidently hit like.

   They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...should we give that a try?

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.