Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASCAR - Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

   Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.

   Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"

   They were Towel Heads after all....stick THAT in your Hookah libs.

   If you voted for OBAMA to let people know your not a rascist, Then vote Republican to let people know your not an idiot !!!

   anyone else addicted to Pawn Stars because they misrerad the title the first time they turned it on???

   Somebody needs to start a restaurant called "Chick-Fil-Atheist" that's only open on Sunday.

   Seriously, there's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

   News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though.

   ...Wyclef Jean disqualified for Haitian Presidency. Hey, that's no fair! If we elected an unqualified black man, why can't they?

   We'll be corporate slaves in no time… if we vote for Rom ney 2012

   God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.

   You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"

   Dont cry poor to me--- as you update your status from your I-Phone!!

   I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.

   They should serve watermelons at every place in the world that has chicken on their menu.

   Sexy lingerie should NOT be available in XXL sizes.

   Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.

   The akward moment when you say n!gga in front of a black person

   Do you know why Americans are better than people from other countries? Because we're Americans!!!