Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just lost my job at the Orange Juice factory...I couldn't concentrate

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”

   TV commercials always portray white guys as dorks but we own 99% of America so I guess we're even...

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new, "I promise, I'll only put the tip in"

   Biden's teeth were so white last night, they're voting for Romney.

   Would Jesus be pissed off that we are celebrating his birthday on the wrong day?

   . Could it be that it took trump two days to denounced the march in Charlottesville because he did not want to offend those voters who voted for him.

   Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.

   When you realize Facebook has made more changes than Obama...

   tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it.

   Dear slut: Has your right leg ever met your left leg? _Discusted bystanders

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   looking to buy a decaf coffee table.

   any body else going to grab a six pack order a pizza and watch the GOP convention?

   Best prank call ever: "Hello, Dominos?"... "Yes, how may I help you?"... "What's the number to call Pizza Hut?"

   silently judging you.

   2 beers $12, 3 margaritas $15, 4 jello shots $20 dollars, taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   The 2 living Popes come from the final 2 remaining countries in the World Cup. Checkmate Atheists!!

   The Pope is resigning, citing family reasons. He wants to spend more time with the kids.