Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"

   When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.

   Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.

   How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands

   In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.

   Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.

   I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.

   I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.