Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is!!

   When one door closes, another door opens. If not, I'm climbing through the window.

   so excited I'm jumping up and down on a couch now. - Katie Holmes

   From a distance you look like someone I'd like.

   I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.

   I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am

   I'm too happy to want to read a woman's mind.

   My life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.

   Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

   The words "Serious" and "Facebook" DO NOT go hand in hand. Please pack your feelings in a suitcase and travel back to wherever you where before you discovered Facebook.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   Girls don't understand that waking up is usually the 2nd hardest thing in the morning.

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   Facebook is our past. Twitter is our present. Unemployment is our future.

   ..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!

   Are "The Hunger Games" scored by calorie intake? If so, I would kick ass at that game

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh