Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...

   spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.