Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.