Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?

   I see house flies in the house...horse flies near horses...so why do I never see dragon flies on episodes of Game of Thrones?

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.

   Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.

   My life is stitched together with vices.

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation

   No matter what happens in life, NEVER give up on my dreams. That is why I sleep till noon.

   From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan

   If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this