Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy