Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That lady from the target commercial scares me.

   I need to get a santa suit and walk into the strip club to see what the girls will to do santa to get off the naughty list.

   Yes, Christmas comes but once a year. So does every other day! February 29th, now theres a day to celebrate!

   A toast Gentlemen, To girlfriends and wives. May they never meet

   What's this "Sex Slavery" that everyone is talking about? And how do I enlist?

   This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!

   Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.

   Spring has Sprung and Summer is Here , Temperatures are a Rising that means you'll be Perspiring , Keep you Deoderant handy and your Panty Liners near cause Soggy Bottom Undies are something we all FEAR

   I know the world is NOT going to end in 2012 because Marty McFly traveled to the year 2015.

   Doggy style was invented so you wouldn't have to miss any of the game to get laid.

   Reminder - Valentine's Day is only a coupe weeks away, it's not too late to break up.....

   I don't care how Hillary sends her emails as long as she doesn't start sexting.

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   Its about time judges start sentencing evil mosters to botched executions.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a selfie, especially a bathroom mirror selfie... Seriously stop it, you're embarrassing yourself!

   I thought this black guy was calling me a disgrace, turns out he was introducing me to his gf Grace

   "for just 15 cents a day" ...*changeschannel*

   When I see a beautiful young lady with a really old or ugly dude, I think the same thing as everyone else....How rich is that guy?