Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast

   If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

   Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.

   I'm feeling just a little under the table this morning.....

   did not go to Jared. But did put my entire tax refund in my savings account again.

   I really don't feel like "occasionally" stirring this

   Even if you are not a zombie tomorrow, I'm still going out of my way to smash your face

   Sam and Dean stopped the rapture!

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.

   When one of us goes down, the rest of us need to come and pick that person up.

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.

   Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Sometimes I drink water, just to surprise my liver.

   I'm horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.

   I don't wait well.