Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   WHO'S GUILTY HERE?... A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick...my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   It's called BE-YOU-tiful, not BE-FAKE-tiful...

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   I just took a Justin and wiped my Bieber...........

   aye Justin Bieber Imma let you finish but Ricky Martin is the best gay singer of all time! All Time!

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your foerhead?

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   WWlll is coming. Get your temple in order. And stop believing the media. All media is responsible for the way you think.

   Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   ...Couple who said they had pix of John Stamos w/underage girl in hot tub were indicted for extortion. Turns out the "girl" was Justin Bieber!

   My Reality Check bounced.