Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Figure out what you want otherwise others will just string you along to accomplish what THEY want.

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   Just because you change a earlier post from Mom to Dad or Brother to Sister doesn't make it any funnier !!

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Breaking News: The DOJ has released new guidelines. You can no longer use the term looting when talking about protests. The new PC term is now " Revenge shopping "

   7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.

   Hillary's poll numbers are dropping faster than Bill Clinton's pants in an Arkansas trailer park

   R.I.P. Janet Reno. But at least she'll still be voting for Hillary.

   ..... "The system is rigged!!!" ------ Hillary Clinton.

   This, too, shall suck.

   Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency....If you're an alcoholic and cannot mulitply by 10 we do not want you.

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   Good lord if you just have to reissue a 20 year old joke, at least get the punchline correct. It's Kareema Wheat, not Kareem of Wheat. God Almighty!

   Would it be smart for a department store to promise “we won’t check to see if you paid!” .... I wonder how long they would stay in business? .... Anyways, That's how the American Voter registration works.

   Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   Donald and Melania Trump reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms. That's a good idea, Melania's crying keeps Donald awake at night.

   The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.