Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cashier is wearing a tank top with no bra and instead of my ATM code all I keep typing into the machine is SIDEBOOB.

   I need a new recliner but I don't feel like shopping. Lazy boy...

   I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time

   Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   I usually dodge becoming a third wheel by saying "I have the Flu''.

   By the time you are old enough to go out and drink on your birthday... People stop putting money in your birthday cards so that you can actually afford to go out!

   Daylight savings during a leap year means I still have 23 hours of day equity left..

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor this without putting down my beer.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   It's completely impossible to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" without looking like a retard...

   Looking right through a woman's sundress as she walks away from me. Sunshine rules.

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   Okay, enough already! We get it, you like to post music from you tube of your favorite band. But that doesn't mean every song!!

   not thinking too much today, therefore I might not be.

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.