Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.

   I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   I went to see a chiropractor. It was about a week back.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, so who the hell are you?

   I think we have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...