Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Melania Trump may have copied Michelle's speech but at least she ain't no man trying to act like a woman.

   ... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America

   “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   I find humor in everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   Camping. Camping? Listen up Mr. and Mrs.Field and Stream...My idea of roughing it is a Motel 6 with no cable.

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   Does this status update make me look fat?

   Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!

   There's a new way to transfer funds that's even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   I am that little chocolate you find when you least expect it and need it the most!!

   Sometimes, in order to get a clearer picture of things, you must take a few steps back.

   Making love is like making pancakes. When done on one side, flip over to finish.