Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.

   i guess Trump is now the apprentice.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."