Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   The hardest part about business is minding your own.

   My cellphone is mixing people up (surprise this would only happen to me) So if you get a picture of my left tit..apoligies in advance!!

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   If somebody ever stole my identity, I'm pretty sure they'd give it right back.

   I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language.

   Did you know..... your middle toe is a radar detector for chair legs??!

   a super hero, with NO powers of motivation.

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.

   been spendin' most his life livin' in a gangsta paradise...

   Yeah :) ... I like it on Your shoulder ... and don't ever try to tell me to " hold it ! "

   wants all his friends to know that your "save the endangered chipmunks or whatever" petition with 5000 signatures stops in my Inbox. You will never see your precious little email again!

   Working on the art of the classic "Farmer Blow" technique. Figure I can save a lot of money on tissues with allergy season here.

   thinks that "beer" might be the real magic word. Forget about "please" (unless, of course, it is following "beer"...)

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass