Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Water companies suggest reusing your bath water to help with the drought . I tried it , My cup of tea was f8@king awful ....... !!!

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   So Siri is basically a chick that has no personality and claims to know everything? ...Sounds like my ex!

   My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.

   Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government

   Do you look at a Doritos chip closely at how much flavor is on it right before you eat it? The more flavor, the better.

   Happiness comes from the changes we make for ourselves, not the changes that people want from us.

   Smoking doesnt kill people...People who are trying to quit smoking kill people

   I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS

   Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....

   Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...

   People at work always ask me, Sean- how can you stand to sit so close to that space heater, you have to be burning up- I tell them I was married once and enjoyed the time I spent in Hell

   Facebook - one more way my mother can make sure I haven't died in the past 24 hours...