Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.