Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing too see here, move along.

   I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.

   Ride me like the pony you never got.

   Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck's closet.

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Some idiot posted spoilers and totally ruined my Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip experience

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

   Happy Elastic Waistband Day

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........

   My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind."