Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All these fools comparing Trump to Hitler. Trump never had people killed... Hillary Clinton did.

   Guns are not the problem. It's the people who are pulling the trigger. Taking guns away will not stop people from killing other people.

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   The letter O is just a Q that has stopped smoking.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   Bob Costas just told the world his house is available for burglary.

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all, he's still dead

   Everytime I see a matttress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls..

   R.I.P. To my seamonkey Oscar~10-20-84 to 10-26-84. You are missed!

   Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

   Tip: if you have to put lol in your own status, more than most likely it's not funny.

   Thought about staying home from work today but then I remembered the thousands of people on welfare are depending on me, I owe I owe its off to work I go.....

   just been diagnosed with as serious case of idontgiveacrapitis.

   Why Is It That People Always Point At Their Wrists When Asking For The Time? Do They Think I Don't Know Where My Watch Is?

   George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles

   Why did the girl cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we were at three hours ago.