Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!..

   My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.