Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.

   I'm not surprised Mayweather won. After all, he has a punching bag in his bedroom.

   Make sure you talk to your kids about drugs. You might be over paying.

   I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"

   Now that the government shut down it's time to turn off the government give away cell phones !

   Take your age, don't add anything don't subtract anything. That's your age.

   First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.

   Nuke the Chinese! ...I mean microwave the take out

   Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN.

   Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”

   If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos private, she should've kept them hidden in Lois Lerner's email.

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.