Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear makers of Cialis, when I reach middle age and find myslef needing your product, contrary to the advice you offer about calling a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I can assure you that I will be calling a film crew instead

   A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

   I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence

   I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.

   *Insert Controversial topic here*

   Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."

   not here for your sexual fantasies

   so, this guy is trying to sue me for sexual harassment in the workplace just because I like to flirt a little...good luck with that because I don't even work there!

   Get off the phone while you driving and while your at it, pick a lane and stick to it

   Never tell a woman to shut up, just kiss her damnit.

   And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!! Tune in later for world domination....after the laundrys done ;)

   Ladies: If a guy ever tells you he's “crazy” about you, then you better believe it because we rarely use words like that.

   Roger Ebert called. He's giving your online performance of "The Worlds Biggest A$$hole" two enthusiastic thumbs up. Way up.

   Facebook says we're 'friends' but, trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face.

   Life is like Facebook. People will LIKE your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.

   Im not saying your chick is ugly at all. She just reminds me of Bald Bull on Mike Tyson's punchout

   Just got off the phone with my bookie. If the space junk hits any of the members of Nickelback I will be a very wealthy man.

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   could really use a great snowjob right now.