Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   I always keep a piece of paper with me incase someone tries to attack me with a rock.

   I'm never drinking again, again.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   Coronavirus won't last long, it was made in China.

   Bars are opening but patrons are wearing masks. It is the era for ugly people with nice bodies to get laid.

   "Float like a butterfly sting like a bee" -Melania Trump

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"