Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.

   Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?

   This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   I gotta admit, I got a lil excited when I heard they're remaking Total Recall, this time with Colin Farrell. I was wondering who they'd get to play the 3 breasted mutant prostitute ... then it hit me ... SNOOKI would be perfect!

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up 

   ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!