Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   using your wifi

   I am Nigerian Prince. If you click “like” I send you 17 Billion Dollars. I am very genuinelyness

   If you take a muscle relaxer and a Viagra together you will end up a Gumby with a Pokey.....

   They wouldn't have to ban texting while driving if they would just legalize driving through red lights...

   Relly hopes the weekend comes as quick as some of her exes

   wondering if you have sex with a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered a "orgy"?

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   thinking Scientists do it on the table... periodically

   So, I read today that NASCAR is getting fuel injection.... I also learned that when they hit 88 mph the new cars travel through time back to 1985, when the rest of us had fuel injection.

   the best things in life are free *just pay shipping & handling*

   I wish you could spray on gift wrap.

   doesn't dress up for Halloween cause I'm a character all year long...

   My daughter spilled a whole bottle of baby powder on her room because she wanted to practice ice skating. Are you serious Disney channel?

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.

   I believe in ghosts. I believe in aliens. But theres no way you will ever persuade me into believing in alien ghosts. Ridiculous.