Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.