Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.