Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.

   Now I know where the YouTube commenters hang out when they're waiting for the new Nickelback video debut.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.