Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.

   Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver

   I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.

   When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

   My anger management class pisses me off

   Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Somewhere in the world Howie Mandel is walking around with full body Hazmat Suit.

   2020 must-have downloaded something from Limewire!!!

   I’ve been checking my temperature periodically every day. Did you know that it’s not necessary to do it rectally? Wish someone would’ve told me sooner!

   Check out the hypocrisy in the post below. Whines about no humorous posts, but doesn't come up with a humorous way to do it.

   Lysol commercial says apply to things I touch most. I have a feeling this is going to burn

   panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

   Weird, thousands of people working from home getting paychecks and not a single one has called in sick all week.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   Oh not seeing enough tests?? I thought people were saying they aren't seeing enough breasts. Either way, I agree.

   I've been single for so long someone asked me who I was with. I said AT&T.