Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   ACED my prostate exam!

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.

   Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.