Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series