Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.

   I'LL TRADE YOU A 12 PACK OF TOILET PAPER FOR A POUND OF HAMBURGER

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   I know how can cure the Coronavirus. Stop socializing! And you could give me the Nobel Peace Prize later thank you.

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.

   I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....