Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   a gift to AMERICA .....President's BIRTH certificate and Bin Laden's DEATH certificate!!

   hey did you guys hear? The Apprentice was interrupted by some special news report....

   So with all that news last week about the iPhone 4 tracking all kinds of stuff, makes me wonder....did Bin Laden have an iPhone 4?

   Somewhere, In An Afterlife, Sir Henry Cooper Is Beating Seven Shades  Out Of Osama Bin Laden :)

   I still say I heard someone talking from under that sheet when we tossed the body overboard, but whatever. Can't go back in time.